Now what?

It's been a long time since I've blogged. I've lost the motivation.

I've lost the motivation to do a lot of things.

I don't know what's happened to me. I'm a lazy person by nature, yes. That doesn't surprise me at all. But I've lost my ability to focus. I can't seem to put my mind to doing something and complete it in a timely manner. I'm constantly distracted, whether it's walking the dog, an errant thought that spawns an internet search that branches out into more distractions, the inability to pay attention to a conversation for more than five minutes.

Perhaps my will to focus is to blame. I don't doubt at all that it's got something to do with me, chemical or mental or whatever. I must be doing something wrong. I must not want it bad enough. Something.

I can focus well enough on mind-numbing things - playing video games, reading, etc. But nothing of import. Nothing that NEEDS done. Work has been a struggle the past few weeks. New ideas are at a minimum. I start working then I get distracted then the next thing I know it's 2 hours later and I've made absolutely no progress.

Chores are out of the question. The first few weeks after we moved I was good at the routine of doing a little bit every day to keep up with it all. Now, the laundry is piling up (I never can catch up with it all), the dishes are all dirty, there's boxes in the middle of the computer room floor that have been there for weeks. They contain a majority of our Christmas decorations.

I can't even muster up the energy to decorate. It seems like we'll be doing a lot of travelling this holiday season, and my initial feeling is one of "Why bother? Why decorate when we won't be here to enjoy it?" I hate feeling this way. It leads to holiday depression for me. Mom always had the house decorated. Cookies were always made, music was always playing, and things were as they should be. I hate feeling this lack of motivation. I hate this negativity.

I have a hard time looking my husband in the eyes. I feel like I'm failing him. I'm not keeping up with my work, which was my part of our agreement that I got to stay and work from home. He's not said anything to me once, never made me feel bad. He says I am keeping up with things, at least with the stuff that makes money - but I feel like it's a lie. I make myself feel guilty enough, that he doesn't even have to say anything.

I'm ashamed of myself, and too damn lazy to figure out the solution to this lack of focus. Instead I sit, wallow, and get mad at myself. I cry in the mornings when he leaves because I don't want to be alone. When he gets home, I'm so brain dead and numb that there's many days that we don't do much but play video games together. Yes, it is spending time with each other, but interaction is limited. I'm cranky all the time. I snap at him for trivial things when I should just be thankful he's doing his best to support me. He leaves the house every day and deals with teenagers. He doesn't snap at me. He's always happy to see me.

What is wrong with me? I don't know if it's depression (well, obviously, it's a slump of some kind) or just a phase. Should I be going to a psychiatrist? Would it even help? I was on meds a few years ago and all it did was give me stomachaches every day. I don't want to be a chronically depressed person. We don't have the money for me to be on expensive meds just because I can't keep myself in a good mood.

I feel like I'm failing at everything. I'm an expert at making excuses for everything, because honestly, I have no idea what's going on. I can't figure it out.

I can't keep this up. It's hurting me, and I'm sure it's hurting the husband. I've got to fix this somehow. I can't stand to hate myself this way anymore.

Homework #6 Back to Basics

Okay, so I'm going to jump on the bandwagon and try my hand at Miss Papuga's homework assignment. My creativity has been waning lately. Maybe this will get it flowing again.

Image originally from Borissov at DeviantART

"Don’t think, don’t weave intricate tales, don’t try to be brilliantly insightful. Just tell me who this is. You tell me as much as your creative mind allows, or as little. Some people’s first instinct when looking at an image is a snowball effect of ideas and stories."

*The girl is a newborn vampire. She can't remember her name, or who she was. Love, hate, joy, sorrow, likes, dislikes; it all eludes her now, drowned out by the raging thirst that is first and foremost in her mind. Confusion is the only other emotion that is known to her. Where is she? How had she become this? And why is she alone?

As she wanders the streets, a scent pulls her forward. Everything is painfully in focus. A dull thudding has her attention now. Looking down, her eyes fall on the homeless man huddled under some newspapers for warmth. If he only knew that soon, soon he wouldn't feel the cold anymore. Or anything else for that matter. She pauses, only for a moment, before she closes in.

or

*Elle has awoken in a strange place. She doesn't remember much from the night before - it's all blurred out in an alcohol-induced haze. Despite the sharp, painful stabbing of a headache, she immediately gets up and grabs her coat, the only article of her clothing she can find.

As she swings her arms around her head while pulling her coat on, she stops, wide eyed in fright. She's covered in bruises. Suddenly the pain hits her, a deep dull ache that is bone deep. She can't get the coat on fast enough. She fumbles with the tie, closing it upon her bruised nakedness, as she rushes for the door. She flings it open and stumbles out into a dark night in an unfamiliar place. She has to get home to Joss. He's going to be worried about her. How long had she been out? How was she going to find her way home?

Stepping away from the building, something on the ground catches her eye. A child's doll, dirty, worn, broken, lies on the street. Shuddering, she lurches forward, towards what she hopes is home.



That's all for now, although it really feels good to stretch my fingers and write a bit again. Perhaps I will add more later.

Apologies

Not much to post. I'm drained and unmotivated. I haven't forgotted about this blog, but I just haven't had much to say recently.

Sorry all.

Quiz time!

I saw this quiz over at Reality 101 and thought I would give it a try.

I must say, it's frighteningly accurate. The "What's hard about being a ..." is so very true it scares me. Almost every single thing listed is true/has been true at some point or another.

Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz...

You Are an Ingrid!

You are an Ingrid -- "I am unique"

Ingrids have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.

How to Get Along with Me

• * Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
  
• * Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.
  
• * Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
  
• * Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
  
• * Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!

What I Like About Being an Ingrid

• * my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level
  
• * my ability to establish warm connections with people
  
• * admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
  
• * my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
  
• * being unique and being seen as unique by others
  
• * having aesthetic sensibilities
  
• * being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me

What's Hard About Being an Ingrid

• * experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
  
• * feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
  
• * feeling guilty when I disappoint people
  
• * feeling hurt or attacked when someone misundertands me
  
• * expecting too much from myself and life
  
• * fearing being abandoned
  
• * obsessing over resentments
  
• * longing for what I don't have

Ingrids as Children Often

• * have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original games
  
• * are very sensitive
  
• * feel that they don't fit in
  
• * believe they are missing something that other people have
  
• * attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.
  
• * become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood
  
• * feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce)

Ingrids as Parents

• * help their children become who they really are
  
• * support their children's creativity and originality
  
• * are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings
  
• * are sometimes overly critical or overly protective
  
• * are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed
  

Take Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz at HelloQuizzy

Two Years Ago Today...

Two years ago today I married the man who was surely put on this earth just for me.


I love you, Zach. Thanks for two wonderful married years (plus the dating years), and lets hope we have many, many more.

Update

Okay, so between moving stress, money woes, my computer's hard drive failing and losing all of my work, music, and photots (I haven't had a chance to check if it's a permanent loss - maybe I'll be able to recover some of it) and family illness - things have been crazy stressful.

Sorry I haven't been around. I also am not sure how much I'll be posting in the next few weeks. I'm not organized enough to have stuff already typed up that I can just schedule to post. I'll keep up as much as I can, but don't be surprised if it's a little dead around here for a while.

Obessions of the past

I remember, while growing up, from middle school to somewhere near the end of my highschool career, I clung to the fantastical, wishing that things were more than they were. I wasn't exactly a daydreamer, because I could focus my attention when I needed to, and it didn't affect my schoolwork at all. However, once I got home, I was fairly lost to the world - drawing, writing, dreaming of things unusual and amazing.

I remember the strength of my fantasies though, the ferocity with which they gripped my heart and soul and made me yearn for something otherworldly to happen in this little boring town. I think my first fascination was with dragons - thanks to a video game series called Lunar; Silver Star Story - a tale of an ordinary boy who is destined to save the world and his gal with the help of the dragons hidden in his world. I was completely infatuated with the idea. That's where my self-proclaimed nickname Dragonchild came from. I immersed myself in everything that I could find pertaining to dragons. I foolishly hoped that maybe my boring existance wasn't all there was - maybe I was a dragon in disguise, or a child of one, or any other number of fantastical ideas. Wishing it to be true didn't make it so - but that didn't stop me. I wrote, I drew, I dreamed. I had an especially vivid dream of a dragon , one that was my equivalent to a spirit animal. I still cling to that dream, as my proof that my imagination can be a wild place of creation for me.

Not long after, vampires joined the repertoire of my obsession. Ann Rice books were my new bedside companions. Again, I immersed myself in anything I could find pertaining to vampires (although I preferred Rice's versions to more traditional versions). Again, I wrote, I drew, I dreamed. My obsession with vampires wasn't as strong as my obsession with dragons, but still, it was a fairly large part of my life.

I began dating a young man when I was 15 (Yes, this does relate a bit). I was helplessly in love with him, despite the obvious that we were not right for each other. Of course, I refused to believe this, despite all the signs proving it was true. He was my first love, and I was tenacious. Looking back, I can see now that after the initial bliss of a new relationship wore off, we really were complete opposites, but not in the compatible way. Other than our love for fantasy books, and a few other things that have faded from our memory, we were nothing alike. I was clingy. He wanted freedom. I was overbearing and protective. He was a risk-taker and a rebel. I was a hopeless romantic. He was..well, he was not. After about a year, I was swinging between bliss when he payed attention to me, and misery and depression when he would push me away. Through all the ups and downs, I tried to ease my pain with my fantasies. Usually the pain he caused was too much, and I would just go through my life automatically. Over three and a half years - my obsessions failed to be the escape I needed them to be, and they started to fade away.

I broke up with the young man for the final time during my first year of college. Soon after, I began dating the young man that would end up being my husband several years down the line. New love sprouted, new friends were made, and I didn't think of the lost fantasies as I was happy and didn't seem to have any room left in my head for more. College killed my creativity (ironic, as I went to an art school), and I let my imagination run wild less and less. I guess responsibility, friends, and video games will do that to you.

One thing that has developed over the years is my love for angsty romances - love stories that are doomed from the start, or at least seem to be so. Not romance novels, mind you (for some reason I feel that I'm above reading romance novels, probably for the fear that I would absolutely love them, and I can't allow myself to do that) but fantasy novels, comics, or manga that involve a troubled romance. I always put myself in the place of the female lead. It helped especially if she was plain looking, or if she had low self-esteem and at least saw herself that way. It also helped if she fell in love with an impossibly wonderful/beautiful/amazing man who in turn eventually loved her back. But they have to go through so much strife to be together. I need that struggle for me to really connect. I've never been sure why. Maybe it's my earlier experience in my first relationship. Maybe it's my desire for something more, something meaningful and unordinary.

I hadn't thought about my earlier years and the strength with which my fantasies held me, until recently.

I had a gift card to Target, and seeing nothing else I wanted and being wary of having nothing to read at night, I picked up Twilight by Stephenie Meyer. I had heard all the hype about the upcoming movie and I wanted to see what it was all about.

I began to read one evening - and I was hopelessly lost again in my fantasies. Meyer's tales of vampires have brought back those years of obsession. I sat and read the first book all in one go - I could not bring myself to put it down. I finished, and near had a panic attack - I needed the rest of the series - needed it soon. I absolutely had to know what happened between her wonderful characters. I cried more reading these books that I ever have - relating to the characters, feeling and completely understanding their pain and their strife.

I'm still wrapped up in the heady feeling, the inability to focus on what I need to. I don't know if I should be happy, or miserable, or frustrated, or what I should do. Any time I try to focus, I begin daydreaming within a few minutes. I am frustrated with myself, as I never had problems with this before. I think the stress of the impending move and worries about the financial situation and everything else is again making the promise of an escape too..well...inescapable. And yet, I revel in these feelings again, after so many years. I want to create - to draw, to write, to dream. Now if I could only harness this creativity, maybe it will help.

I always have wanted to write and publish something. I want to be a storyteller, weaving a tale with the same magic I feel in Meyer's writing. I might be able to do it, if I can get past the intimidation of it - the feeling that I'll never create something as amazing as what has inspired me.

However, who knows. Maybe I can rein in these feelings and use them to create. Maybe my name will be on the bestseller list in the future. After all - I can dream, can't I?

BurghBaby's 9/11 Flight 93 Memorial Fund

I can't believe that I'm such a schmuck that I didn't link this sooner. Well, I can, because I'm pretty sure I don't have many readers, and those I do have seem to frequent the same blogs as I do, but really, that's no excuse. I'm still a schmuck.

Burghbaby's post about remembering 9/11 is a touching reminder of the tragedy of 9/11. We should always remember the sacrifices made for this country on that day, and also we should remember the lives lost. She has offered to donate all of her September revenue to the Flight 93 Memorial Fund. Revenue is determined by page views, so head over to BurghBaby's blog and start clicking!

As a bonus incentive, today's post is a one-day contest. While you're visiting her site, doing your part to add to the Memorial Fund, leave a comment on today's post mentioning what item (or items) you would like to win mentioned in her post, and have your name put in a hat for a chance to win!

Friday Five - 9/26/2008

Here's todays Friday Five. I'm trying to get back on the ball and start posting again. Hopefully it works.

1. When did someone last break something of yours? Hmm...the only thing coming to mind at the moment is the glass pendant that my cat Loki knocked off the shelf and broke off the part that threads onto the chain. I've got to figure out another way to make it wearable.

2. When did you last play hackysack, if ever? Hmm...it's been a while, but I want to say sometime during my first year of college, so late 2002-2003.

3. What was your most dramatic haircut like? When I was in first grade I had my hair cut short so I could spike it on top, as was popular with the young boys in the late '80s and early '90s. My best friend Josh had his hair cut like that, and I wanted to be like him. After that, I let my hair grow - it was lower back length and straight. In 2005, I had it all chopped off and donated it to locks of love. I ended up with hair that was only 1-2 inches long. It was a dramatic change for me.

4. Hacking is basically breaking through the security that protects a computer or a website. What’s the closest you’ve come to doing something similar in real life? I logged in to my ex-boyfriends e-mail account; however, I had the password, so I doubt that counts.

5. In the world of stand-up comedy, a hack is a comic who steals jokes from other comics. Have you ever known a hack in your own field? In my opinion, graphic designers are all hacks in some way or another. It's hard to be original in an oversaturated field. Even if you create something you think is original, there's a huge chance someone else has already made something so similar to yours that you can't truly prove it's original. It's common to take someone elses design and modify and rebuilding to fit your needs. The modifying/rebuilding usually protects us from copyrights. So - we modify the ideas, but we could still be considered hacks when it comes down to it.

As always, the Friday 5 questions were taken from Friday5.org. If you join the fun, be sure to let me know so I can add you to the link list! And don’t forget to send those questions in that you’re itching for us to answer! Don’t worry, we’ll gladly pimp your blog for the effort.

Thursday Recipe - Chili/Bean Dip

This recipe is rather versatile. It can be used as a party food, but there have been many nights when I don't really feel like cooking much so I'll whip this up fast. There is two variations to this recipe, one with just beans, and one with chili, so I'll let you decide which you'd like to try. (I prefer the chili dip myself.) Additionally, you may add optional toppings once you've melted the cheese. We usually set out salsa, hot sauce and sour cream and everyone can add whatever they prefer to their dip.

Bean Dip Ingredients:
2 packages cream cheese, softened
2 cans chili beans
1 package (2 cups) shredded cheddar or taco cheese
Tortilla chips for dipping

Chili Dip Ingredients:
2 packages cream cheese, softened
2 cans or 1 large jar (26 oz) chili
1 package (2 cups) shredded cheddar or taco cheese
Tortilla chips for dipping

Optional toppings:
Salsa
Hot sauce
Sour cream
Green onions
Bacon

Preheat oven to 350°F. Grease the bottom of a 13"x9" pan. Spread softened cream cheese in bottom of pan. Pour chili beans/chili over cream cheese. Top with cheese. Bake until cheese melts, about 10 minutes.

Before-bed musings

It really seems that apartment hunting sapped me of all of my energy. I have been unable to focus and keep a clear head for the past two days. Of course, that isn't really a very good excuse for my lack of motivation, but it's the best one I've got.

I've been trying to write something interesting and meaningful, and I just end up staring at the screen. It's been the same for work as well. I need to get my head back out of the clouds.

Here's hoping that going to bed at 9:30 will help me feel well rested in the morning. If that doesn't, then I don't know how I'm going to get through the next few days.

Apartment Search - Final Outcome

The husband and I have secured an apartment in Irwin, PA (just south of Monroeville via the turnpike). We will be moving in around October 10th. I am so relieved that we are done with the search - it was really taking up most of our time.

Zach started his new job today, and I'm hoping that all is going well.

Updates should resume on a more regular basis shortly - once I get caught up on everything else. Thanks for tolerating my crappy update schedule!

Apartment Search - Day 1

Apartment search day 1 was rather unsuccessful. One place seemed promising but they only had one apartment available, and it was on hold. We were told that they would call if it freed up, but I don't know if we have time to wait. We want to move ASAP to minimize the amount of driving Zach would have to do to get to and from work.

We have some other places in mind that we plan on checking out, but we decided to take a break today, as we've already spent the past two days in Monroeville.

So - no news yet. Hopefully something affordable will pop up here soon, and it won't be a horrible place to live.

Thursday Recipe - 3-Chip Cookies

These cookies are meant for the chocolate lover. They include three kinds of chocolate chips, and are some of my favorite comfort food.

This recipe makes somewhere near 4 dozen cookies I believe, as the original recipe was meant to make jumbo cookies. I've found that even though this recipe uses quite a bit of butter, the cookies can still stick to the pan, so I disregard the part about using an ungreased cookie sheet, instead lightly greasing the sheet for easier removal. I would reccommend testing a batch with the cookie sheet ungreased, and if you find they stick, then go ahead and grease them.

Ingredients:
4 cups flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 ½ cups butter, softened
1 ¼cups sugar
1 ¼ cups packed brown sugar
2 large eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla
1 cup milk chocolate chips
1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
½ cup white chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 375° F. Combine flour, baking powder, and baking soda in medium bowl. Beat butter, sugar, and brown sugar in large mixing bowl until creamy. Beat in eggs and vanilla. Gradually beat in flour mixture. Stir in chocolate chips. Drop dough by the spoonful 2 inches apart onto ungreased cookie sheet. (If you want jumbo cookies, drop ¼ cup dough onto cookie sheet 2-4 inches apart.)

Bake for 12-14 minutes or until light golden brown. Cool on baking sheets for 2 minutes; remove to wire racks to cool completely.

Busy Busy Busy

So, this is a quick update to say I don't know when I'm going to be able to update. I know it's lame, but we have a good excuse, if one exists! Zach got a job as a long-term substitute in Monroeville and for once we should have some decent money coming in. We need to get back into a place of our own for our sanity. Also being as he doesn't want to drive 1.5 hours to work and back every day, we're looking for places to live. So the next few days are going to be busy for us.

Sorry for the few of you that do actually read this - I'll post updates as I can. Recipe will be up tomorrow.

Late Friday 5

Sorry for the very late/ very lame answers here, folks. Things have been busy the past few days. Unfortunately nothing worth writing about though. Just the usual things that get in the way.

Who lets you have your way more than you should? My husband, Zach.

According to the cliche, the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but what’s the way to yours? Food works. Or gifts. I'm not picky.

What’s something that should have been put away but hasn’t been? 90% of what's laying around the room. Part of the problem is no place to put stuff.

When did you last weigh yourself? It's been months, and I'm sure I don't want to know at this point.

What do the cops in the donut shop say? "I'll take the bear claw, please"

Thursday Recipe - Vegetable Pizza

The recipe I'm posting today is Vegetable Pizza. This is something that my family makes for reunions and get-togethers. We use a mix of fresh broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, olives, and green pepper. Any variation of vegetables can be used to top this with, depending upon your preference.

Ingredients:
2 packages crescent rolls
1 cup mayonnaise
1 8 oz. package cream cheese
1 package Hidden Valley Ranch dressing (dry mix)
1 head broccoli, chopped
1 head cauliflower, chopped
1 package shredded carrots
1 can olives, sliced
1 green bell pepper, diced
1 package (2 cups) shredded cheddar cheese

Preheat oven to 375°. Set cream cheese out to soften. Spread crescent rolls out on ungreased cookie sheet, pressing together to make a crust. Bake for 14-19 minutes, or until golden brown. Remove from oven. Set crust aside to cool, for approximately 30 minutes. While waiting for crust to cool, prepare vegetables.

Mix together mayonnaise, cream cheese, and ranch dressing mix. Spread over cooled crust. Top with remaining ingredients, adding cheese last. Refrigerate until ready to serve.

R.I.P. Aunt Ellen

My (great) Aunt Ellen passed away this weekend. The events following a death in the family always drain me more than I expect them to. I wish I could put the following more eloquently than I can, but at least it's being said.

She was a genuine ray of sunshine; petite, polite, a gentle soul with a smile and a warm greeting for anyone she met. She was a seamstress throughout most of her life. She altered my first Cinderella Ball dress for me, and was still sewing with unmatched precision up to the point of her death. She had an infectious laugh. I didn't get to see her much, but I loved her a lot.

The world is a worse place for her passing.

I love you, Aunt Ellen. May you ever be at peace.

Friday 5 - 9/5/2008

This weeks Friday 5: Orange. I like the color orange. My car is orange. My wedding was based around fall colors, consisting of reds, oranges, yellows, and browns. InkForge Studio's identity uses lots of orange.

I give you my Friday 5 on Orange.

1.What’s your favorite orange-colored food? Hmm. I don't know if it counts as food, but Arby's Orange Cream Swirl Shake is to die for. Also, pumpkin rolls. I could gorge myself on those wonderful holiday creamy bready goodness all year round.

2.What’s the best way to drink orange juice? Often. I love orange juice. Unfortunately it's usually harsh on my stomach - even the low acid kind. But I still love it.


3.Which candy’s orange-colored pieces taste best? I'm not big on orange candy...I guess Starburst is the kind I can tolerate.

4. What are your feelings about orange soda? I have to be in the right mood for it. Also, I once had this horrible generic orange soda that had no fizz and tasted like I was drinking vegetable oil. Not pleasant.

5. When did you last wear an orange item of clothing? I have a shirt or two that is a rust/orange shade. I probably wore it sometime within the past two weeks.




As always, the Friday 5 questions were taken from Friday5.org. If you join the fun, be sure to let me know so I can add you to the link list! And don’t forget to send those questions in that you’re itching for us to answer! Don’t worry, we’ll gladly pimp your blog for the effort.

Thursday recipe - Mint Brownies

Okay, I'm going to jump on the bandwagon of recipe sharing and share some of my favorite recipes from time to time. This week's recipe is a variation on a mint brownie recipe that I found around last Christmas. It's fairly simple - I use unsweetened baker's chocolate to make the brownies as I prefer the taste and consistency of the brownies made this way, but I'm sure a brownie mix would work just as well. I don't have a picture to post at the moment, but next time I make them, I'll snap one to share.

Ingredients:
6 squares unsweetened baker's chocolate
1 1/2 cup butter
2 cups sugar
1/2 teaspoon salt
4 eggs
1 cup flour
1 container white cake icing
Mint extract
Green and yellow food coloring

Preheat oven to 350°F. Lightly grease a 13'x9' pan; set aside. Melt 1 cup butter and 4 squares baker's chocolate in medium pan over low heat. Once chocolate has melted and is a smooth consistency, remove from heat; add eggs and stir. Add sugar, salt, and flour. Stir until well blended. Pour into pan. Bake for 20-30 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean. Cool 1 hour.

While waiting for brownies to cool, prepare icing mixture. In icing container, add mint extract to taste. (I always like more than the normal recipe calls for. I usually end up using about 1/3 of a bottle of extract, but that may be too strong for your taste.) Stir in green and yellow food coloring until icing is desired color. Spread over cooled brownies.

In a small pan, melt 2 squares bakers chocolate with 1/2 cup butter over low heat. Once smooth, carefully pour over icing in stripes, OR pour chocolate into a sandwich bag, snip off a corner and carefully squeeze over icing in designs. Refrigerate. Served best when chilled.

Conclusions.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm not very good at this blogging thing...not that I'm going to quit, mind you, but I have the feeling I'm never actually writing about anything that others are interested in. I have the tendency to sit down with full intentions of writing something useful and fun, but I just end up staring at a blank screen.

I had full intentions to write this weekend, but as you can see, I was a slacker.

I'm thinking I need to start carrying a little notebook around with me, and if I ever have any thoughts that sound like they're worth writing about, jot it down so I don't forget.

I'll try to do better, friends. I really will. I want to inform and entertain. I just need to get my act in gear.

Friday 5 - 8/29/2008

First the friday 5, then an update.

1. What was the last song that stuck in your brain and wouldn’t go away? Oh, this is sooo bad. Thanks to DjLunchbox I've had "Vampires are Alive" by DJ Bobo in my head. Seriously. This is the guy that wrote the Chihuahua song that's being featured in the new Disney Chihuahua movie. I learned more about Dj (Dr.) Bobo than I ever wanted to know. Thanks Will. I hope you really do have pinkeye. (not really.)

2. What’s something that sticks around long after you wish it would leave? This stupid cold. I was really sick a couple of weeks ago, and I still have a sore throat and a cough. I'm not sure if it's the damp weather and sinus/allergy problems, or something more serious, but I don't have health insurance, so I'm waiting it out, unless it gets much worse.

3. To what use did you put your last sticky note? Wow, I don't really remember. Probably something along the lines of a song I wanted to download, a to do list, or a grocery list.

4. When did you last have Pixy Stix? Again, not sure. But I live with a candy monter (my husband) and so I'm sure it's been sometime in the last six months.

5. What is something you are a stickler for? Hmm...personal hygene when going out in public. Cleaning a certain way. Grammer and punctuation while texting or IMing. Good Photoshopping (thanks DjLunchbox, forgot this one.) Good graphic design.

As always, the Friday 5 questions were taken from Friday5.org. If you join the fun, be sure to let me know so I can add you to the link list! And don’t forget to send those questions in that you’re itching for us to answer! Don’t worry, we’ll gladly pimp your blog for the effort.


Not much new here. Had an interview on Wednesday. My car has been inspected and is legal for another year. Going out with some friends Saturday night, as long as plans hold up. I am addicted to Boom Blox, and I don't even own the Wii or the game.

Hope everyone has a wonderful holiday weekend!

Friday 5, 8/22/2008

1. What’s something really, really stupid you’ve done that could easily have resulted in your own death? Hard to say. Leaning out of the window in 912 at Allegheny Center is high on that list.

2. What makes you feel stupid? Lots of things. Trying to figure out Flash, or any sort of programming in general. My resume also applies here.

3. What’s something that’s stupid in a very smart way? I haven't a clue.

4. What’s an example of a stupid idea working out in a way that solved a problem? Anytime I succeed at figuring something out in a program I'm not familiar with. I usually learn by trial and error, and something that seems to stupid to work, usually does.

5. There is apparently a brand of packaged popcorn called Smartfood. What might be found in the package labeled Stupidfood? Bagels, Doughnuts, Cookies, Butterfinger bars, DQ Blizzards, Fried Oreos, Funnel Cakes, Cheesecake, and pretty much everything else I eat on a regular basis.


As always, the Friday 5 questions were taken from Friday5.org. If you join the fun, be sure to let me know so I can add you to the link list! And don’t forget to send those questions in that you’re itching for us to answer! Don’t worry, we’ll gladly pimp your blog for the effort.

Rollercoaster Ride

The past week has been a huge rollercoaster of emotions.

• Went into more debt buying a laptop
• Got to D&D
• Gratch passed away
• Got to hang out with friends
• House we were planning on renting from family was apparently sold, although we were never told.
  

That last one's a real kicker. It was our key to getting back to Pittsburgh. Rent was only going to be $200 a month, and considering the fact that I can't seem to find work, we needed something cheap in order to be able to make the move. Now that it's gone, I can't quite figure out what to do. Judging by the amount of debt we have every month in student loans, car payment, and credit cards, Zach and I are both going to need to make at least $12-15 an hour, which is hard to find.

I'm just feeling a bit defeated. I wish things would stabalize for us. I really want to be in Pittsburgh. There's more likely to be work there, and all of our friends are there. I want to be independant again, and not have to live up to someone else's lifestyle expectations. Also, privacy. I wants it. Hard to have any when there's 4 people in a house that's about the same size as the last apartment we lived in.

Anyone know of any cheap housing that lets you have pets? Or anywhere that's tolerable to work at? I'm open to any suggestions.

Montgomery Gratch

Gratch passed away today.



He was fine yesterday, and Zach says he heard him wheek for us when we came home late last night. Unfortunately, in the way of guinea pigs, between then and this morning, he became really ill.

Sad day. I miss my gwee peeg.

Yep.

Totally posting from the laptop I mentioned in the previous post. Sitting at The Willy's, stealing his wi-fi. Gotta love those business expenses.

On another note, I'm not feeling nearly as negative as I did last night. Guess that's what I get for being awake that late, and deciding to make a post.

So, again, sorry for the rant in the previous post.

Friday 5, 8/15/2008

First, the Friday 5 for today.

1. What did you last replace batteries for? Ignitor in the gas grill.

2. What have you thrown away that you probably could have had repaired? Lots of things can be repaired if you have the time/motivation. I'm sure I could darn all our socks and patch all our holey clothes, but I tend to just let wear things until they're unwearable, then throw them out.

3. Among items in your line of sight right now, what should probably be put in the trash? Gum wrappers, asprin bottle with 1 asprin in it, lots of scrap paper with random notes, etc. Lots of desk clutter.

4. When did you last use disposable cutlery while dining in your house? Hmm, it's been a while. I don't remember.

5. Whose actions cause you to waste time you otherwise wouldn’t waste? Well first and foremost, myself. I'm to blame for letting myself waste the time. Then probably Zach. He's good at distracting me, and convincing me we'll finish something later, when we almost never do.

*As always, the Friday 5 questions were taken from Friday5.org. If you join the fun, be sure to let me know so I can add you to the link list! And don’t forget to send those questions in that you’re itching for us to answer! Don’t worry, we’ll gladly pimp your blog for the effort.

General update:

• I'm looking for work, which is depressing when you don't qualify for 90% of the work you can get in your field. I've been too picky, and now I need to start looking at a wider range of jobs. Only interview I've been on recently went horribly. Looks like I'm heading for retail. I'm not bitter that I'm so in debt for a piece of paper that was supposed to help me land a better job. Nope. Not bitter at all.
  
• Trying to move back to Pittsburgh, but need a job to do so.
  
• I'm currently on a self-hate kick. I tend to cycle between self-acceptance and self-hate. I'm at the crappy end of that cycle right now. I feel like everything is wrong with me and where I'm at in my life right now. I don't have a good job, I don't have money, or a house, or kids, or anything to show for the past few years. I don't even know what I want really, other than I don't want to stagnate. I don't want to feel like I'm just wasting my time.
  
• There might be a business trip in the close future. We would tremendously benefit from a laptop to use on the trip. We don't own one. We're swimming in debt. Yet we're considering the purchase of one. Necessary? No. Helpful? Very. Stupid? Probably. Can't seem to decide between necessity and want.
  
• Just all around blah. Was really sick a couple of weeks ago, and since then it's been mostly coughing, headaches, and random majorly painful muscle issues that mysteriously clear up after 2-10 days. I feel like the plague. No one my age should feel this shitty on a consistent basis.

Okay, done with the rant. Sorry, just needed to get a few things off my chest. Hope everything is going well for everyone else.

Friday 5, 8/8/2008

1. In Citizen Kane, the main character’s last word before dying is “Rosebud,” which is discovered later to be the name of a favorite childhood sled. The idea is that this rich, powerful, hated man, in his last moment, finds himself thinking of happy, innocent times. If the film were about your life, what word might you utter in similar sentiment?
I'm not sure. Perhaps "Crayolas".

2. In Groundhog Day, the main character is forced to live the same day again and again until he has learned to love others and to love himself. If you found yourself in an endless loop, living one day repeatedly until you learned the lesson that was holding you back, what would that lesson be?
Probably the same as Bill Murray. Love myself. Accept others for who they are and don't judge. Be nice. Stop being a bitch. Take your pick.

3. In Freaky Friday, a mother and daughter who have difficulty understanding each other find themselves each living the other’s life (occupying the other’s body and everything!). If this were to happen to you for similar reasons, whose body would you wake up in?
Hmm. Tough one. There are a ton of people I don't understand. Maybe G.W. Bush, but ugh, I don't want to trade places with him. Maybe the Pope. Still not a pleasant thought.

4. In Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indiana Jones has to jump into an underground room filmed with the one thing that freaks him out: snakes. “Why did it have to be snakes?” he asks. If the movie were about you, what would you see in the underground room?
Insects. Particularly bees/wasps and junebugs. Augh. Now I'm creeped out.

5. In Sideways, the main character is asked to explain his love for wine made from a certain grape. As he describes the grape, we realizes he is also describing himself, saying that it must be carefully tended and that it is easily damaged. If the film were about you, what passion (hobby, food, collectible, or activity, for example) would you describe and how would you describe it so that you were also describing yourself?
Candy. Sometimes sweet, sometimes sour, sometimes Nutty, sometimes fruity. Sometimes exciting, sometimes boring. Usually a pain to deal with. Bad for you. Sometimes a huge disappointment. But still worth trying.


*As always, the Friday 5 questions were taken from Friday5.org. If you join the fun, be sure to let me know so I can add you to the link list! And don’t forget to send those questions in that you’re itching for us to answer! Don’t worry, we’ll gladly pimp your blog for the effort.

No Friday Five post today, as I am sick and can't seem to make my brain work well. Maybe I'll get a belated one up later on. If not, see you next Friday.

Friday 5 - 7/25/2008

Okay, I need to update more, so I figured I'd jump on the Friday 5 bandwagon so I'm posting at least once a week.

1. When you go to the beach, lake, or pool, are you more likely to lower yourself gradually into cold water or to take a determined plunge and get it over with?
It depends on my mood. I can't say I have a favored approach, but my general overall feeling is that I'd take the plunge, just to get it over with.

2. How is this like (or unlike) your approach to other tasks or ordeals?
It's pretty unlike my approach to anything else. I like to have a plan of some sort before I do anything. I get irritated if things don't go according to plan. And I seem to be unable to have fun if I don't know what's going on.

3. When someone gives you flowers, are you more likely to let them turn completely brown and gross before throwing them out, or to discard them the moment they take on that sick-flower look?
Well, it depends on the kind of flowers. If they're the type that I can enjoy for a while, then turn upside-down and dry them out to keep them, then I usually do that. If not, I let them get somewhere between slightly wilted/brown and gross before I throw them out.

4. How is this like (or unlike) your approach to other gifts, purchases, or relationships?
Alike in some instances...I'm a pack rat. Gifts and purchases are held on to for a very long time. If there's no sentimental value to something, it's easier for me to get rid of, but I have to analyze whether or not something is still useful before I toss it out. On relationships, let's just say I didn't know when to give up on my first serious one. I know that now, but I can't change the past. The one I'm in now is a keeper, and I'll fight to keep it tooth and nail, if it ever comes to that.

5. Think of your favorite movie (or a movie you really like, if you can’t think of a favorite). Some people say that the reasons you love your favorite movie are related to what you value in romantic relationships. How is this true or untrue in your case?
Well, Juno is my favorite movie. I'd have to say it's true for the most part. I value someone who forgives my stupidity; who loves me regardless of the situation; and who's willing to weather out the bad times with me, knowing that good times will surely follow. That's what I've managed to pluck from the movie, and I'd have to say those are all things of value to me.

*As always, the Friday 5 questions were taken from Friday5.org. If you join the fun, be sure to let me know so I can add you to the link list! And don’t forget to send those questions in that you’re itching for us to answer! Don’t worry, we’ll gladly pimp your blog for the effort.

I <3 baking

I made an apple pie for Father's Day - mostly from scratch (except for the crust, because why bother when it's so easy to roll out a pre-made one? I know, I know, under that logic, I should have just bought a pre-made pie.)

I figured out how to weave the top crust, which really isn't that hard now that I know how.

Anyways, point of post is that I made a pie, it was pretty, and no one died after eating it. Horray!

Mmm...sultry

For the past few days, I have been getting little itchy bumps on random places on my body. They look like minute mosquito bites, and itch just as bad. I have no idea what they are from.

Last night, in bed -

Me: *Trying to get comfortable, but just being itchy* "I am so full of itch!"
Zach: "...what?"
Me: "I am so full of itch!"
Zach: "Oh, I thought you said something else."
Me: "What did you think I said?"
Zach: "I thought you called yourself a sultry bitch."
Me: *laughing*
Zach: "Yeah, I thought it was odd for someone to call themselves that."

Girl troubles...or it sucks being a woman sometimes.

If you're not interested in reading about issues that plague only women, fair warning to stop reading here.

So after my recent yearly exam, I had my doctor change my anti-baby meds from a low-dose version of hormones back to a normal dose of the same brand, which is what I had been on previous to the low-dose version. I asked her to change it in order to see if it was causing some unwanted symptoms that I have been experiencing - the time of the symptoms beginning and the changing of the meds initially seemed to correlate. Also, the regular dose has a generic. Not having insurance, this fits into my budget somewhat better.

Lo and behold, it seems I had forgotten what my real PMS is like. The low-dose version apparently lessened things like back pain, muscle aches, and being an uncontrollable bitch.

I forgot how horrible I felt about myself during the PMS week. I forgot how badly I treated the people around me. I forgot how quickly I could go from fine to fury to shame. There's no excuse for me to be this horrid person.

So...do I ask to go back onto the low-dose, and potentially never know if the symptoms I'm experiencing are side effects? Do I stay on this and see if the symptoms get better? Do I try something else, that potentially won't have a generic version, and could possibly bring all new side effects to the table?

I hate having to make this decision. It seems like no matter what I decide, someone suffers in the end, be it me or those around me.

On dieting, or failing at dieting.

So I've been on a diet for about a week now. I've been using Slim Fast, and following the directions as closely as possible. I've cut portions. I've increased my activity levels - not enough yet, but I'm working up towards working out every day. I've been counting calories consumed and calories burned, which, if I'm counting them right, I've been burning more than I've been consuming.

And I've done nothing but maintain my weight. Apparently 1200-1500 calories a day is what I was eating BEFORE I went on the diet. That seems to be the only way that I could be maintaining my unhealthy weight.

I don't want to crash diet, hell, I don't want to diet at all, I just want to make better choices and be more active, but I need results to feel like it's worth it. I know a week isn't much,but I should have at least lost a pound or something.

I feel like crap and I don't know what to do about it. I've looked into Weight Watchers, which I know people have sworn by, but I don't think I'm willing to pay $40 a month for someone to tell me what I already know - I need to exercise more and portion better.

I'm really at a loss for what to do. It doesn't help that it's raining out, so I can't go running.

Sometimes I really hate the way society makes me feel about my body.

Brain Gruel...

I haven't updated recently due to lack of sleep, which seems to rob me of coherent and interesting thoughts and leaves me with brain gruel - the same icky consistency of bean gruel, and just about as successful at conducting brain electricity.

I'll try to get something up here in the next day or two.

Absence, Day 2.

Warning...long boring post ahead.

Zach flew out to California yesterday morning to pick up the new car for his job. We woke up at 3:30 AM (see previous post), gathered his things, jumped in the car, and headed to Waynesburg for gas and breakfast.

The food preparer at Sheetz decided that despite the fact that it was empty and we were the only ones who needed food, it was more imperative to plug in the food warmer and fry up some hashbrowns before she started preparing our food. Hashbrowns to non-existent customers is always a priority in my morning routine. To make up for us interrupting the holiest of all morning rituals, she decided my bagel didn't really need to be toasted. Which could have saved us two minutes, had we not already spent the last 20 minutes at the gas station, 10 minutes more than was planned.

We finally got on the interstate at 4:30 AM. About five miles down the road, traffic comes to a complete stop. Apparently there had been a bad wreck. I considered crossing the median, but the northbound lane that we were in was separated from the southbound lane by a 45 degree angle hill, with a ditch at the bottom, and another, but shorter 45 degree angle hill. My car was crying at the concept of trying to cross that without major damage. We sat there until 5:50 AM. Zach needed to board his plane by 7:30, and we still had an hour to drive to the airport.

I drove faster than I think I ever have before, passing more wrecks in one morning than should ever be possible, each time ever more thankful that it wasn't us in one of those wrecks.

I got him there on time, and he was in line to board the plane at 7:08 AM. Two minutes before boarding was possible. Damn, I'm good.

The rest of the day was full of restlessness and the inability to sleep due to being too tired to sleep. Some freelance work was done, TV was watched, macaroni and cheese was consumed. My mother scared me to death in the middle of the night, as I had locked her out while she was next door at my grandmother's, who wasn't feeling well. Finally sleep was had at about 2:30 AM.

Today was full of moving boxes and things from the old apartment, shopping for junk food and fruit to counter-balance the junk food, and watching movies. Mmm...Johnny Depp. I'm about to call Zach and tell him goodnight, and I hope tonight is a little more restful.

Ever since we began dating, I think the longest we've really been apart has been three nights. This should be doable, but I estimate four more days and three more nights of Zach's absence. I'm handling it better than I thought I would up to this point. Let's hope my sanity continues to prevail.

On feeling old...

It seems odd to me that just a couple of years ago, only getting four hours of sleep was a common, weekly occurrence. In fact, some nights we just stayed awake because there was just too many interesting things to do, and sleep just got in the way of our doing these interesting things.

Here I am, awake at 3:45AM after roughly four hours of sleep, and I feel like I could curl up in a ball and just die. It would be safer than me falling asleep while driving to or from the airport - at least I wouldn't potentially take others out with me.

Unless my being alive is the meaning of life. Then you're all fucked.

I feel older today than I have in a long time. Nothing like reminiscing about college days to make you wonder what's happened to your sense of ridiculous sleeping hours and crazy night life.

The things in the walls, or the schizophrenic cat...

Sometime between the hours of 4 and 6 AM, our cat Loki awakes from a sound slumber, stands up, blinks wearily, shakes himself awake, and begins his early morning ritual of turning our bedroom into a HELL.

He yowls. He drags his claws across the walls to render a sound reminiscent of nails on a chalkboard. He claws open the closet door. He steps on anything that could potentially make a noise and knocks over every possible thing he can. Sometimes, he tries to knock things off the walls, especially anything that hangs over our heads. If we close the door, he slams his body into it until he cracks the door frame or we let him back into the room. This carries on for hours.

Unfaltering, he will wake us up during the deepest of sleeps, running away when we get up to grab him, returning once we are again comfortable in bed, to begin the process all over again.

I think he's trying to kill us. Be it falling objects, lack of sleep, or overwhelming terror when woken from a deep sleep to the sound of something crashing to the floor, he's determined to ruin us.

Or maybe, just maybe, he's trying to make us crazy enough to hear the imagined things in the walls he's trying to dig out, or the voices that tell him to do things.

I want to believe it's simply a case of a schizophrenic cat, but deep down, I know he's out to get us.


I may never sleep peacefully again.

I was going to post, but I'm in a "feeling sorry for myself" kinda mood today, and that only leads to emo posts.

More when I'm a little less emo.

I'm starting to dislike this time of year...

First of all, when I started this blog, I promised myself I would do my best to keep it from being emo. I love to complain, but that was not the purpose of why I began writing here. However, sometimes a few boundaries need to be temporarily forgotten. I apologize in advance.

I really am not a fan of spring. Granted, the slightly warmer weather is nice, when there actually is some, but it's usually coupled with rain and mud, both of which end up on the floor. When I mop it up, it returns a day later. Maybe the floor generates mud - I knew something wasn't right!

Also, it's tax time. I wasn't approaching this tax season with a sense of foreboding, as last year we pulled a near $1000 refund.

This year, we owed almost that much.

Imagine my surprise, and sinking hope. Apparently, in the state of PA, the state gets approximately 25% of a small businesses income, unless you claim losses.

We managed to claim some losses from the business and have the interest payout on student loans cover some more, so the federal tax that we owed is taken care of, but we still owe state and local tax.

We're struggling to pay the last month in rent. Now we owe more money to more places. Those economic stimulus checks can't come fast enough (if they show up at all). Granted, I'm sure we'll get taxed on those next year too - just more stuff to have to pay for.

I think I've learned my lesson - don't rely on a tax refund, chances are, one won't be incoming if you do.

Mmmm...cake....

I hate American Idol. But I absolutely love Edy's Take the Cake flavor.

Yellow cake flavored light ice cream with frosting swirl and multicolored sprinkles.

Seriously. This is some of the best ice cream I've ever had, and much more affordable than Coldstone Creamery. And it was voted as the best flavor, so hopefully it will be around for a long, long time.

It's also one of the reasons I'm overweight. But that is besides the wonderfully delicious point.

The Lost Baldwin...

I've been replaying Final Fantasy X (please, don't ask me why. Soooooo boooored.), and this has been bugging me quite a bit, so I thought I would share my theory with the world.

Click for larger view

Removed glasses for more proof!

Auron...overpowered yet pain in the ass party member...or....lost Baldwin brother? I think my images speaks for itself.

Willpower, or eating the last cupcake while no one else is looking...

In response to my husband's post here, I have the following to say:

Whether he chose to undertake quitting smoking cold turkey due to our lack of cash or some other personal goal, I haven't a clue. I have a feeling it's the former. He's secretive about these things. I don't even bother asking anymore, because he just flashes me that maddening smile of his and goes back to whatever previous activity he's partaking in.

I'm certainly not making the smokeless crusade any easier. For one, being jobless as I currently am, the lack of cash inflow is directly my fault. For the past month he's shouldered the responsibility of making ends meet. And done well enough, given the thousand pound lemons that life has handed us these past few weeks. For another, I am constantly reminding him that it was HIS choice to stop smoking, and that if it were up to me he'd have a cigarette between his lips at this very moment. If we only had the money to buy a pack of cigarettes that is. Yeah, I'm a bitch.

The combination of the stress life has dumped on us and the amazing amount of patience it takes to live with someone like me, I'm a little frightened he's going to explode any second. Not in the spousal fury kind of way, more in a disintegrating from all existence kind of way.

He's made it six days now, which is impressive sheerly due to the fact that he's rarely in the company of someone who's not smoking. If I had his willpower, I would be at least a size 4. I mean, if everyone else is eating a cupcake, it's obviously implied that I should be eating one too.

Anyways, I guess all I can do is try to make sure all the open cigarette packs aren't left lying around, hole myself up in a room with him while others are smoking and try and keep him entertained, and work at keeping Limp Bizkit off the playlist. Because no one should have to suffer though my horrible taste in music, especially if they're trying to quit smoking.

Happy St. Patricks Day

Happy St. Patrick's Day, everyone. How did you spend your day/previous night/entire weekend?

I usually avoid any St. Patrick's day celebrations - I'm hardly a partier by any means, and when I do party, it's pretty low key. (Give me two drinks and I'm drunk or asleep.) Likewise, Pittsburgh itself on days of boisterous celebration feels hostile to me. Maybe it's my aversion to drunks when I myself am not drunk. Maybe it's because I'm an anti-social twit. Either way, I stay far away from places of celebration on days like this.

Or course, I didn't have much choice this year anyways, being as we have relocated (or are slowly relocating I should say) back to Greene County. The seemingly ultimate of all failures, we are in the process of moving back in with my parents where we will stay until we are back on our feet (read: Lessen our outstanding debt and are able to survive on our own without drowning in bills). We're here most of the time now, and only visit Pittsburgh when we have the gas money to see our friends, which recently has not been happening.

So, on this fine, chilly St. Patrick's Day, I spent my day job searching and doing laundry. I hope your celebrations, today or this past weekend, were not as tame as mine.

I hope you this recent bit of artwork, which was initially inspired by the thought of this holiday.