Friday, December 5, 2008

Now what?

It's been a long time since I've blogged. I've lost the motivation.

I've lost the motivation to do a lot of things.

I don't know what's happened to me. I'm a lazy person by nature, yes. That doesn't surprise me at all. But I've lost my ability to focus. I can't seem to put my mind to doing something and complete it in a timely manner. I'm constantly distracted, whether it's walking the dog, an errant thought that spawns an internet search that branches out into more distractions, the inability to pay attention to a conversation for more than five minutes.

Perhaps my will to focus is to blame. I don't doubt at all that it's got something to do with me, chemical or mental or whatever. I must be doing something wrong. I must not want it bad enough. Something.

I can focus well enough on mind-numbing things - playing video games, reading, etc. But nothing of import. Nothing that NEEDS done. Work has been a struggle the past few weeks. New ideas are at a minimum. I start working then I get distracted then the next thing I know it's 2 hours later and I've made absolutely no progress.

Chores are out of the question. The first few weeks after we moved I was good at the routine of doing a little bit every day to keep up with it all. Now, the laundry is piling up (I never can catch up with it all), the dishes are all dirty, there's boxes in the middle of the computer room floor that have been there for weeks. They contain a majority of our Christmas decorations.

I can't even muster up the energy to decorate. It seems like we'll be doing a lot of travelling this holiday season, and my initial feeling is one of "Why bother? Why decorate when we won't be here to enjoy it?" I hate feeling this way. It leads to holiday depression for me. Mom always had the house decorated. Cookies were always made, music was always playing, and things were as they should be. I hate feeling this lack of motivation. I hate this negativity.

I have a hard time looking my husband in the eyes. I feel like I'm failing him. I'm not keeping up with my work, which was my part of our agreement that I got to stay and work from home. He's not said anything to me once, never made me feel bad. He says I am keeping up with things, at least with the stuff that makes money - but I feel like it's a lie. I make myself feel guilty enough, that he doesn't even have to say anything.

I'm ashamed of myself, and too damn lazy to figure out the solution to this lack of focus. Instead I sit, wallow, and get mad at myself. I cry in the mornings when he leaves because I don't want to be alone. When he gets home, I'm so brain dead and numb that there's many days that we don't do much but play video games together. Yes, it is spending time with each other, but interaction is limited. I'm cranky all the time. I snap at him for trivial things when I should just be thankful he's doing his best to support me. He leaves the house every day and deals with teenagers. He doesn't snap at me. He's always happy to see me.

What is wrong with me? I don't know if it's depression (well, obviously, it's a slump of some kind) or just a phase. Should I be going to a psychiatrist? Would it even help? I was on meds a few years ago and all it did was give me stomachaches every day. I don't want to be a chronically depressed person. We don't have the money for me to be on expensive meds just because I can't keep myself in a good mood.

I feel like I'm failing at everything. I'm an expert at making excuses for everything, because honestly, I have no idea what's going on. I can't figure it out.

I can't keep this up. It's hurting me, and I'm sure it's hurting the husband. I've got to fix this somehow. I can't stand to hate myself this way anymore.